They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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