is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
