proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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