im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
