You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
