I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
