I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Welp...herpes.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
