i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
