My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
