My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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