I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize