I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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