dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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