Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
