I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
