I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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