I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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