So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
