dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
