I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
