i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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