If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
