Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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