I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
