I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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