I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i will never coherently bang her
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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