I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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