He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
