I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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