Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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