i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
