Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
