are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
