What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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