Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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