it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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