Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
