I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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