Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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