What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
