Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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