How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
