My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
