What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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