Someone shit on the floor
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
