I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
