I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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