i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
