Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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