I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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