I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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