i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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