Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize