Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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