a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
