someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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