a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
