in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
