What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
